Not your Traditional Golf Cars
Golfing World According to Damian… Part 2
Having recently read a very clever article in GQ magazine that compared Premier League Football teams to cars, it made me wonder if the SOS Golf Tour members were cars, what cars would they be? As a motoring Journalist by trade, I thought it could be an apt article for me to write. It has been all the rage recently to write your “Golfing World According to…” submission about Tour members, but it seems to be the same members mentioned over and over again, so I thought I would hit everyone.
Andrew Hart – Blue Steel
A VW Polo
As the SOS Golf Tour leader, Andrew and his game are slick and good to watch. There is nothing fancy about what he does, or how he does it, but he is consistent and gets the job done. One of the quieter guys on Tour, he may not say much, but you always know he is there. Just like a VW Polo, it doesn’t say much about the person behind the wheel, but everywhere you look, there is a Polo.
Andy Volker – MotherVolker
A Mercedes Benz Truck
Andrew is not a Mercedes Benz truck because he is a huge guy, quite the opposite actually, but he does have massive personality. We don’t see him every day (he misses rounds of golf regularly), but when you do see him, you can’t help but be impressed with the amount of beer he can carry. Volker is the Tour’s brewer.
Ryan Bernberg – J Bomber/Bernie
An Uno Turbo
Being the Tour’s Jewish representative, I thought about making Bernie the Tata Nano, the world’s cheapest car, but in hindsight, I decided on the Uno Turbo. Just like the Uno, on his day Bernie can beat anybody in the world, and he also has massive power off the line. But it’s still an Uno, so even if he is not winning at golf, you can always hear that free flow exhaust on the front of his face pumping out a quick joke or a fine.
Brad Carter
BMW iSetta
I chose the iSetta for Brad because they kinda look the same. Brad has a nice round shiny head, and that is exactly what this BMW is, a round shiny car. Also an incredibly rare site, Brad is starting to show up a little more on Tour now, which is awesome, considering he missed the first 3 rounds down-under.
Chad Campbell – Chewbacca
The Mutt Cutts ‘Shaggin Waggin’ from Dumb and Dumber
The only car in the world I could think of that has fur. Chad is the hairiest man on the SOS, and maybe in the entire world, but he is always worth a laugh. He has the potential of playing great golf, but just like the Mutt Mobile from Dumb and Dumber, sometimes he can produce dog-sh*t on the course too. His Tour leading 11 rings at Roodepoort will take some beating.
Andrew Chip Robertson – No, no, no, no
A Donkey Cart
I couldn’t think of a car slow enough to match Chip’s speed on the course, and just with life in general, so I decided to pick a donkey cart. He works with horses, but they also move too quickly, so the fact that he is a dumbass aided in my choice of this vehicle for the Tour’s pessimistic sloth.
Damian Murphy – Jimmy
A VW Beetle
As I am known to the Tour as the Chair-taitor (Chairman/Dictator) I thought it would be fitting to use the car Hitler had a hand in building. I guess it does help that it looks like I have swallowed one too.
Dwain Margro – Panda
A Toyota Tazz with dropped suspension, chrome rims and a blue light underneath
Yes it is a massive stereotype, but that is what Dwain is and we love him for it. Like a decked out Toyota Tazz, Dwain is full of laughs and makes one hell of a noise, but he is still by far the most loved coloured on tour, and maybe in the whole country.
Gareth Greensill – Hulk
Land Rover Defender
The toughest car in the world, for the toughest guy on Tour. The SOS Iron Man and game ranger is a perfect representation of what a Defender is. I have never heard a bad word said about the Hulk and he is actually pretty good at golf too, winning the SOS in its inaugural season.
Grant Moolman – Grunt
Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4
You may be wondering why I chose such an awesome car for Grant. It is not because he is a super golfer, or incredibly good looking, it is because the Lamborghini Aventador LP700-4 has the world’s highest carbon emissions and Grunt himself would be proud to know he probably has the Tour’s highest methane emissions.
Justin Stoop – Uni
1951 Bond Minicar De luxe Tourer
It is amazing how rumours seem to stick, and where Justin got his nickname Uni from. So I managed to hunt down one of the few cars in the world that runs on one cylinder. It also has one front wheel and would struggle to carry more than one passenger.
Marcel Du Plessis – Marsehole
Circus Clown Car
A circus clown car’s claim to fame is that when it enters the big top, the wheels fall off. This is exactly what happens to Marcel when he realizes he has a chance to break 80, his wheels fall off and his game goes to the dogs. Also, clown cars are driven by clowns, and Marcel is the SOS Bozo.
Mike Moolman – Chow Mein
Geely Tiger GT
In my hunt for a car “made in Asia”, I came across the Geely Tiger GT. Mike missed the majority of the SOS Golf Tour’s first season while working in Asia. The Tiger also has some similarities to the Lamborghini Aventador, which is a good thing, because Mike and Grant are twins.
Nick Rebello – Ax Man
A Tree Shredder
I contemplated going with the 1985 Mini Cooper, as he and the golf balls he uses are from the 1980s, but I decided a more apt vehicle for the Axe Man would be a tree shredder. Famous for his activity in the bush, on and off the course, Nick recently shot to golfing fame with a win at Royal Johannesburg’s East Course. He shredded the entire course, forget the trees.
Richard Gaugeler – Mulligan
Ford Mustang
Richard is the performance enhancing, soon-to-be American, Dick Gargling, SOS H2G (Gym) coach, so it seemed very fitting that I chose an American muscle car like the Mustang. Rich has massive power, but it is sometimes out of control.
Ryan Hendry – Jannie
1996 Volvo 850 Station wagon
When choosing a car for Ryan, I had to make sure I chose a Volvo. Volvo is the car you buy to protect your family, and nobody loves his kids more than Ryan does. However, with new Volvos becoming better looking by the day, I decided to go with the 1996 850 Station Wagon to describe Ryan. It is an ugly looking car that went through a major revolution to become the popular V70 we know today. And Ryan has just started golf, and has a lot of learning and evolving to do in his game.
Tarquin Clarke – Fresh Prince
Hummer H1
I decided to make Tarquin the Hummer H1 for a couple of reasons. Firstly he is always the first to mock the chairman about the Weber braai (barbeque) he carries, yet the Fresh Prince himself has a smaller kettle braai of his own he lugs with him everywhere. And the second reason is the Hummer H1 is a very thirsty car, and guzzles juice like a lost traveller at an oasis in the desert. Tarquin does the same thing with beer, shooters and just about anything put in front of him.
Trevor Rebello – Stutter Putter
Volkwagen Type 2
The ultimate hippie car, the VW Type 2 is perfect for anybody who plays guitar. Mr. Trevor Rebello is the SOS Golf Tour’s resident bandy. He sings, plays instruments and occasionally tries to play golf. However he still hasn’t created a tune for the SOS Golf Tour.
Warwick Keet – Silent Bob
Lexus CT 200h
The Lexus hybrid was voted world’s quietest car, and for the SOS Golf Tour’s quietest player, I couldn’t think of a better choice for Silent Bob.
Wayne Aitken
1967 Shelby GT 500
The rarest of rare cars. So rare in fact, you often doubt whether it actually exists. Wayne was officially the last member to join the SOS Tour in mid-February, but has yet to make an appearance. The illusive Eleanor has promised he will be up and running by Round six of the Tour at Eye of Africa.