Ditch the Tour Ball

Ditch the Tour Ball

Andrew Robertson (August 2017)

If you’re reading this article, you’re probably a golfer, and if that is the case you’ll probably know the thrill of testing out a brand new driver, slotting a shiny new set of wedges into the bag, unwrapping your latest soon-to-rest-at-the-bottom-of-a-lake putter or, failing that, maybe you know a guy who knows a guy who tells the story of his one mate who brought the latest Ping irons, in the middle of the month, without discount. We all have our vices, and for us golfers it’s the lure of new gear.

Now if you’re still reading this – an advice column on a social golf website – you’re probably just like me, a rather bang average weekend warrior, the kind of golfer Gary Player would bless with an endless stream of invaluable advice and acquired knowledge that only the Most Travelled International Golfer could possibly attain: “Do a sit up son, walk through your shot, visualise your life through your third eye and let the car guard carry your clubs, it’ll give him a new perspective and broad shoulders”.

I can’t believe you’re still reading this! OK, enough about the Black Knight of his own Castle Lager, where was I? Below par golfers, that’s right. So if you’re still here you need as much help as I do.

Why is your game not up to scratch:

Here it comes, there are only two reasons your game is not up to scratch:

1.  Your swing is gross, and not in a cute Jim “killing a snake in a phone booth” Furyk kinda way.
2. You’re not as good as your equipment makes you think you are.

Unfortunately, if your issue is the former, you need lessons, from a pro, not found anywhere on SOS, apologies. If, however, your issue is the latter, then stay tuned.

Take it from me, I’ve been there: Over the top, swinging around the corner, not following through, casting my wrists – bad swing habit, you name it, I’ve had it. The result of course; not a fairway found, not a green regulated. It took a few pricey golf lessons to learn that my pretty-because-it-has-character swing was not the sole reason I was hitting banana slices into the road. It was down to my equipment.

There is only one piece of equipment that you use for every single shot, that’s right, the old dimpled lady herself, Snow White’s lump, the golf ball. It’s your number one companion out there. Unfortunately, this little white lie comes with a dark side; every golfing geek wants to play with the balls of his/her hero, and that is how they trap you. For the average golfing Joe/Jolene a tour ball is simply too advanced to help our game. Here are two good reasons why you should rummage around your ball bag and make sure you’re avoiding the sniper that is the tour ball.

• Spin

The consequence of every bad habit in your swing is exaggerated the further the ball gets from the club. This means missed fairways, greens, entire golf courses even. If your ball flight has more unintentional shape than a teenage pregnancy, you’ve got to stay away from the spin. The less spin the better. Now no one is suggesting for a minute that you play with a XD Super Extra Distance XL DD 99-dimple stone, but if you can’t control the “shape” of your shots, then the high spin balls are going to ruin your day more than that dodgy last mystery meat pie at the service station you picked up for breakfast on your way to the course.

For the average golfer this means finding a type of ball (rather than a specific brand of ball) to suit your game. I’ll admit it’s not an easy task, but it is essential, even if just for the sake of consistency. The choices are actually rather straight forward: You can have a 2-piece, a 3-piece or a 4-piece ball. There are some 5-piece balls, but it’s akin to designer self-fellatio on the engineers’ part, just remember 2,3,4. Basically the number of layers hints at the amount of sorcery that has gone into making it. For 2-piece, think Ron Weasley, blunt, to the point, no finesse, red-headed anger.

The 4-piece is Harmoine Granger, an absolute beaut, incredibly smart and powerful, you’re no match for her and if you ever got the chance you wouldn’t know how to use your wand on her anyway. You want to be where Harry Potter is, the 3-piece is cheeky, a bit lucky sometimes, but it’ll give you a confidence only a hero can provide. The 3-piece behaves like a wizard, but without the bizarre side-effects and you probably keep them under your stairs at home. They also look cool if you draw a lightning bolt on them. 

• Cost

I recently came across some sage present day wisdom, “never trust a man who orders a large coke and large popcorn at the movies, no one should have that kind of disposable income”. The same applies to golf balls. That guy you see unboxing a fresh sleeve of ProV’s every round either uses them to smuggle the crack he sells to the marginalised, or he won a lawsuit because nowhere on the packaging does it say, “WARNING: DO NOT FIRE INTO OWN RECTUM”.

Golf balls cost plenty dollar. The much vaunted ProV 1 will set you back R780 for a dozen, that’s R65 a ball! The only other manufacturer nearly that cheeky is Adidas owned Taylormade, who want you to part with 720 of your hard earned Randelas for a dozen. Even Srixon and Callaway want R599 for their top tier balls.

If you’re hooking and slicing like the Asian guy on Forged in Fire, you’ll feel every cent lost each time one of those babies disappears into a hazard or over a fence. Don’t do that to yourself, you’ll hate your day out on the course even more (especially if you got the pie). If you’re still having trouble with the math, think of it this way: A sleeve (just 3 balls) of this type costs you around the same as your half of the golf cart, get the cart rather, it’ll help when you’re zigzagging from one side of the fairway to the next looking for your speckled eggs.

Still not following? Try this: One reasonable 3-piece ball costs roughly 3 loose cream sodas new, 1 cream soda if you buy through the fence from the nice guy at your club whose name you don’t know but who always recognises you. Lose one of those, you can still get another cream soda at halfway, not a big loss. A tour ball costs about a dozen cream sodas from Makro. Lose 2 and not only is that an entire case gone, but you can’t even build a fort with the empties for when your friends come over.

We all want to be happy on the golf course. If you see your friend with a double-digit handicap reach down and place a tour ball on the first tee, do the right thing; wait for them to hit it out of bounds then slowly walk over to them and give them a reassuring punch in the face for being a conceited douche.