When is it okay to whack off on the golf course?
The Golfing World According to Ryan Hendry:
All of my SOS comrades will naturally take the heading of this article the wrong way and will picture a nice ‘bush’ (pun intended) on the golf course. You would be wrong if you were picturing a ‘bush,’ because I am going to talk about the top 5 times it is ok to have a Gunter.
There are a lot of articles already written relating how to improve your game and having a handicap of 26, I figured I am not in a position to give advice. I also don’t understand the fancy golf jargon like “the bounce angle” and Marcel probably still doesn’t know what that is even after reading Gareth’s article. As I have had a lot of experience whacking off on the golf course (I still think we need to find a female tour member) I decided to highlight where and when I think it is fine to shout the “F word” during a round, and that “F word” is not fore. So here they are: the top 5 reasons when it is ok to ‘whack off’ on the golf course. (and for the readers of this article that don’t know the SOS jargon I will explain the terms we use for each scenario)
Reason Number 5 to use the F word:
My nickname is Jannie based on my similarity to Jannie De Beer. This is because I always tend to hit the ground before I hit the ball (a drop kick), so naturally this would be in the top 5 for me. So when you hit the ground first and a piece of grass flops over and lands on top of your ball completely covering it, it is ok to take out some “real” grass and smoke it because not only have you wasted a shot, but now you can’t even hit your ball.
Reason Number 4 to use the F Word:
Reason number 4 for me would be failing to pass the senior’s tee. I hold the SOS Golf Tour record for the most in one round, and currently most on the whole tour!!!! This is when you hit off your tee box and don’t make it past the seniors tee. Yes I know it is not something to actually mention but that’s why it is ok to pull a ‘Gaugeler’ and use a mulligan and if your four ball says no to the mulligan, then you can tell them to go f@#k your ball.
Reason Number 3 to use the F Word:
Number three is when you start messing with physics and by trying to move forward you actually move it backwards – this is called a “back to the future.” It is the chairman’s (Murphy’s) law when you hit a pearler (quality shot) and while watching your ball fly with a smile on your face it hits a tree or out building causing the ball to suddenly change direction and fly back past you. Watching the ball return-to-sender with interest gives you plenty of time to give it the finger on its way to a longer shot in for you. One tour member (Tarquin), while pulling his finger up at his ball, actually by some miracle caught it and simply placed it back where it originally came from, thus causing the fabric of time to split.
Reason Number 2 to use the F Word:
My reason number two is a surf’s up, which is extremely difficult to achieve but because of his law, the SOS chairman was the first and only one to achieve this (twice). This is when you lying in a bunker and suddenly you are thinking of a beach and a woman in a bikini holding the flag. This thought over whelms you and you hit the ball out of the sand and into water. Since our chairman is the only person on tour to ever picture a woman in a bikini holding the flag (I doubt it) I have placed a picture of him below, taken at last year’s SOS Year end tour for the readers that don’t know him.
Reason Number 1 to use the F word:
My Number 1 Reason to use the F word has to be this: the tour does not have a name for it, but I would like to create one, it’s called “around the world.” On the golf course and with life in general your world is all about a hole. So it makes perfect sense to whack off over it. An around the world is when you are about to get your birdie, or in my case an eagle, and your putt looks good but suddenly the ball rolls around the hole and doesn’t go in. So as your putter leaves your hand and you watching it get better distance and direction than your ball, you can at least know that a full beer at the fines meeting awaits you for not getting your junk in the hole thus forcing you to ‘whack off’ on the golf course.
