Golfing World According to Nick

THE GOLFING WORLD ACCORDING TO NICK –“AX MAN” – REBELLO…PART 1 OF 3

If you’re looking for “The Golfing World According to Nick – Ax Man – Rebello” then look no further…

…no further than your latest “Getaway Magazine” or “Keith Kirsten’s Botanical Beauty” magazines, because that pretty much sums up my game of golf!

I could begin to tell you what types of snakes to look out for in the exquisite rough of Zebula, or which club doesn’t work whilst trying to panga your ball out of the luscious bosveld of Roodepoort, or even perhaps bend the laws of physics and make a golf ball hit an absolute polygonal shape object and land practically back in the same spot it was hit from… After most games I always leave the course asking myself the same question, ‘why even bother coming back and embarrassing yourself again’?

Well the answer’s easy… it’s because of you … my SOS team mates!

I may not know the technical aspect of golf, or the correct etiquette, or all the course jargon but one thing I’m dam sure of is that I know my fellow SOS members! Every SOS game that we’ve played has somewhat become a comical series. Each match an episode of sorts and each member having his own personal and defining characteristics, playing out his unrehearsed role from which we all recapture and share every game. So as our SOS Tour series has grown globally in stature and in social media, I’d like to take this opportunity to cross compare some of my fellow tour members with an equally recognised global series…..

SOUTH PARK!

I am doing this just to place them in a neutral aspect that most international people can relate to. You may also find some typically local South African words or phrases but don’t fret. (A brief description to the word will follow in italics, compliments of the all wise Urban Dictionary)

So to the world, this is for you …I hope you enjoy!

MARCEL-MARSEHOLE-DUPLESSIS – AS ERIC CARTMAN

My first comparison has to be our beloved ex-chairman Marcel Du Plessis – “Marsehole”. Now please don’t get me wrong, he is not fat, in fact he’s quite the opposite. Looks more like a ‘Daddy Long Legs’ spider. (Gangly spider that lives in most South African residences. Its arms and legs make up 95% of its body) Like Eric, Marcel is compassionate to animals, he’s clever, calculating and most of the time a downright ASSHOLE- Hence the tour name!!! He’s that type of character that makes you laugh at something serious that should never be funny i.e. picture above. You hate to love him, but also love to hate him. He’s definitely a huge character on the SOS Golf Tour and like Cartman, the series would be nothing without him.

RICHARD – MR MULLIGAN- GAUGELER – AS SATAN

Now hold on… our own Mr Richard ‘Dick’ Gaugeler, (Dick Gaugling; Action whereby an individual vibrates their epiglottis upon the throbbing phallus of a man thus creating a style of music characterized by vocals that sound similar to the gargling of a penis) is no Satanist, he’s just German. As is South Park’s Satan character. Rich is a somber, gentle giant who is very much in touch with his emotional side. This picture is practically what Rich looks like when he’s a bit sun burned (excl. Hooves and horns). He is a power unit, always health and strength conscious and is soon to reach Super Sayan level.

TREVOR-STUTTER PUTTER-REBELLO – AS UNDERPANTS GNOME

Aah, the fuzzy little fellow that pops out of nowhere and graces us with his cheerful songs. He’s the SOS ‘Muso’ (A muso is a person who is obsessed with music. If they come around to your house they will make a beeline for your music collection and then criticise everything in it just to make sure you know they are cool. As a sideline they will take up the acoustic guitar and then force you to listen to their “revolutionary” take on what music could be like. It will undoubtedly be dreadful and unlistenable). Trev has also been branded as one of the Tour’s slowest players, but no one takes into consideration that an average man’s stride is three the length of Trevor’s. As are most shire folk, they are hearty and the life of any party, always willing for one more ‘Jager’ or ten…

GRANT-GRUNT-MOOLMAN – AS TERRANCE

Now this character selection was almost too easy, two brothers (twins) that just loves to baff. Well, perhaps not so much Mike, but we all know that Grant has always got ‘a turd whistling for the right of way’. This ‘Ass Blaster’ could be mankind’s solution to alternative fuel supply. Only until recently we found out why Grant has such bad brown thunder. He was unfortunately born with a gaping asshole, and unlike most of us his anal hymen was nonexistent. (Anal Hymen; A thin, elastic membrane stretched partly or completely across the entrance of the anus carefully regulating any gas or faecal matter). His ‘Crop Dusting’ predominantly occurs in closed, confined cars, tee-boxes, steam rooms, dinner tables etc. Grant is also one of the big hitters on tour, and most of us can only dream of getting such enormous height from our irons.

CHAD-CHEWBACCA-CAMPBELL – AS RANDY MARSH

My final character comparison for this insert has to go to the tour drunk, Chad “chewi” Campbell. Like Randy, Chad balances two lives; one as a sophisticated, genuine married family and businessman, the other as a happy-go-lucky drinking party animal. Chad purposely plays down his golf just so he can get more drinking fines after a round. Honestly, who rings 11 holes or hits 5 freshies in one round?! One particular drink he loves is the renowned ‘Chunky Charlie’. (a delectable nectar comprising of both beer and cream lacquer, once mixed the lacquer curdles, and the texture can be most closely compared to cold, sweet, chunky horse semen.) They say it puts hair on a man’s chest, and that I can believe looking at Chad’s chest wig.

So for all our abroad followers, I hope this gives you a better perception of just a few of my fellow tour characters and their unique personalities. After all, what would any series be without characters, as a tour without members? I say learning to play social golf is just as important as learning to play competitive golf!

A wise man once said, “golf is like having sex….wouldn’t be much fun on your own!”